#2470
Rimmi: So. Tork's not in GROPE anymore?
Date: 10/22/2002
From: Carmelita9000
............................................................
Mickey: Apparently not.
EM: Eh, he's just dead weight anyway. If it were up to me, we'd throw a few *more* people out. <He glares at Mickey>
Rimmi: Lita, you know I respect your decisions and everything, but don't you think you should have consulted the rest of GROPE before doing something so major as throwing a member out?
Lita: Well... <she's starting to rethink the wisdom in being so hasty to throw Tork out, but she doesn't want to admit it.> ...I mean... I thought you'd all agree.
Mickey: Maybe we would have! But you didn't give us a chance to weigh in!
Lita: Uh...
Rimmi: And you didn't give Tork any kind of a chance to explain himself. Maybe he had a good reason for what he did. I can't think what that could possibly be--
6969: *sniff* It was a good reason. Poor Torky, he must be so lonely!
Cave Rimmer: It wasn't that good of a reason...
Rimmi: --but you're usually so big on forgiveness and giving people a chance and stuff. Just throwing Tork out like that is really not at all like you.
Lita: Er...
EM: Lita doesn't have to explain herself to you!
Lita: Yeah! I don't have to explain myself to you!
Rimmi: Actually, I think you owe us an explanation considering you're going around making major GROPE decisions without consulting us--
Lita: <desperate for a way out of this awkward conversation now> And since you guys are so quick to accuse me of not doing my job--
Mickey: We didn't say that--
Lita: --perhaps I should ask why *everybody* is here in Spidey and *nobody* is back at Diabolik's lair taking it back for GROPE *like we planned*...
Rimmi: Hey, that's a good question.
Mickey: What plan? I don't remember any plan.
EM: Of course *you* don't.
Lita: Only one or two of us were supposed to be here in Spidey looking for 2780. The rest of GROPE was supposed to stay back at Diabolik's lair and defend it in case Diabolik came back.
Mickey: Oh yeah. I don't know how I forgot about that.
Lita: <Finally having managed to get peoples minds off what she did, she doesn't want to give them a chance to remember.> Well, it's not too late. <She opens Spidey's door> Everybody in the back seat, get out.
Rimmi: Huh?
6969: Even me?
Mickey: But--
Cave Rimmer: You're stranding us??
Lita: Of course not! We're not that far away from Diabolik's lair. Fortunately we haven't been driving long. And I've been heading back toward the lair for this whole conversation. It's right around that corner. <she poins>
Everybody else: Oh.
<Everybody who has been riding in Spidey's back seat gets out. For those of you who may not be aware, Lita's rules for being a passenger in Spidey state that only Lita can drive, only Evil Mike can sit in the front passenger seat, and everybody else has to sit in the back, however many people that may be. So only Lita and Evil Mike are left in Spidey. They drive away. Everybody else starts walking back to Diabolik's lair, which really isn't far.>
Rimmi: I hate when she does that.
Mickey: Does what?
Rimmi: She put on her bitch crown and forgot about it. Again! That drives me nuts!
***
<Back in Spidey>
EM: Wow, Lita, way to boot the losers.
Lita: Can you even shut up for like three seconds?
EM: Huh? Lita! You're wearing your bitch crown!
Lita: I am? <she pats her head with her hand and feels the crown> Oh! Shoot! <She takes the crown off and puts it away> I only put that on because I wanted to be nice and mad when we finally found Diabolik. But maybe I don't want to be too mean, we don't want to scare 2780.
EM: No. Of course not. So... Now that we're finally alone together...
Lita: Evil Mike! We don't have time for that!
EM: There's always time for that!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
didn't proofread this at all
Sorry about that but there was something I wanted to do with Lita and Evil Mike in Spidey.
EM: Yeah, I can think of a few things!
Not that kind of stuff! Geez, Evil Mike, you're such a perv! Get back into the actual reply where you belong!
#2471
Like a FISH!
Date: 10/23/2002
From: LinkyDragonclaw
(Mickey, Rimmi, Cave Rimmer, and 6969 enter Diabolik's lair, which is looking pretty pathetic. Part of the wall has been ripped away to make what looks to be an attempt at a german discotech. Another wall has been ripped away to show a room painted pink with a cradle in it.)
Mickey: Some Super Villain. . .
Rimmi: I don't know, looks pretty evil to me. . . let's look around for some weapons to use. . .
(Cave Rimmer picks up a fallen 2 x 4)
Rimmi: I mean guns or something, Cave Me. You can't exactly hold someone at gun-poin with a large, blunt object.
Cave Rimmer: Have you ever tried?
Mickey: Woah, guys, look! Soup!
6969: I wouldn't touch it, Mickey!
(A bowl of soup sits in the middle of the room. Above it, hanging from the ceiling, is a large cage. The cage is attached to a piece of rope.)
Rimmi: I think it's a trap. . .
Mickey: What are you talking about? It's perfectly safe! There's nothing sinister about soup!
Cave Rimmer: Just walk away. We're not here for soup.
6969: *grabs onto Mickey's arm* Come on, let's look for weapons!
Mickey: *torn between his conflicting goals* But. . . but I. . . I. . .
(He looks at 6969, who bats her eyelashes, then back at the soup, which is basked in a heavenly glow. Angels can be heard singing.)
Mickey: Oh sweet, sweet siren song. . .
(Mickey pulls away from 6969 and heads for the soup. 6969, Rimmi, and CR run forward, trying to stop him)
Rimmi: No!
(They all reach him just as he grabs the soup. The cage falls down, emprisoning the quartet.)
Cave Rimmer: Stupid Wookie. . .
Mickey: *growls Wookie-esquely* *eats soup*
~~
-The girl who has to leave for school,
Linky Dragonclaw
#2472
<Tork is at his home>
Date: 10/23/2002
From: pitchTork
Let's see what he's up to...
<Oh, I'm sorry. He's not up to anything. He's just
sitting on the couch watching TV. His costume is on
the floor.>
Tork: I can't believe Lita just threw me out without
letting me explain myself. That's not like her.
<Tork stares at his phone.>
Tork: Isn't Lita6969 going to explain what happened?
<Later................>
Tork: I bet if I rewind the tape, Megalon will win
this time.
<Even Later...............>
Tork: Let me look at the album. Ahhh. There's the
time I was invited to GROPE. And there's the time I
taped EM to the ceiling. Heh heh. There's the time I
bought booze for grandmapa. Hmm, his would be easier
if this album had any pictures in it.
<Much Later........................>
Tork: Neh neh neh neh neh neh neh neh Batman!
<LATER.....................................>
Tork: There. I can spin around in the chair 22 times before I get sick. ... I need to lay down.
[Ding dong!]
Tork: Ohhh, go away!
[Ding dong!]
Tork: Fine, I'll stop my important job because of you. Hmph!
<Tork walks up to the door and opens it. He looks outside.>
Tork: *GASP* YOU!!!
Tork_110
Who is it? Find out next time.
#2473
Mickey: So, ladies..... .:o)
Date: 10/23/2002
From: The_Subpar_Pumpkin
Rimmi: Oh, puke...........
Cave Rimmer: Where did I put my club?
6969: Hold on! Let's hear him out!
Mickey: Well, I was just thinking maybe, wait.....
Cave Rimmer: Too late! Found my club! (hits Mickey)
Mickey: Ow! I was just about to say now that we're caught, um....where are our captors?
Rimmi: Oh sure, you were about to say *that*.
6969: No, he has a good poin!
Rimmi: Oh, she always takes his side.
Cave Rimmer: OK, I believe you...this time. But watch it!
Mickey: OK, geez! (Gets up) He-hello? Mr. Magic Captor Person? He...hmmmmmmmmmmm......
6969: Well, I guess no one's around! Too bad....so Mickey, as you were saying?
(Mickey's now preoccupied after he remembered there's a bowl of soup in the cage)
Rimmi: I'm surprised it took this long. So, this cage......how do we get out?
6969: Maybe Diabolik has one of those cool giant magnets attached to like one of those big cranes.
Rimmi: What gave you a silly idea like that?
6969: (/a poins at a cool giant magnet attached to like one of those big cranes)
Rimmi: Huh....how come I never notice these things?
(Cave Rimmer throws her club at the crane and hits the operating switch. The magnet lowers and takes the cage away)
6969: Yay!!!!!!!
Cave Rimmer: OK, everybody....let's check for more traps. (Everybody except Mickey leaves). Mickey???
Mickey: (Growls and holds tightly onto the bowl)
Cave Rimmer: OK, geez!!!!!!!!!
The Bespectacled Mickey T. Gardener
2nd Biggest Fraidy Cat
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
Post Narc x4
Master of the Soup Bowl
#2474
Lita: Evil Mike, we must find 2780.
Date: 10/24/2002
From: Carmelita9000
............................................................
EM: Uh, yeah. I already know that. That's why we're driving Spidey around, right?
Lita: Right. And I think I'd find it much easier to look for her if you were sitting in your own seat.
EM: Aw, come on. Having fun is a blast!
Lita: You're making it hard to drive, Evil Mike. Scootch over!
EM: Fine! I will!
<He gets back into his own seat and starts pouting. Lita ignores this. She can see where she's going now! They drive in silence for a few minutes when Lita slams on the brakes.>
EM: GAHH!!! <He is thrown out of his seat>
Lita: Should have worn your seatbelt.
EM: <rubbing his head because it hit the dashboard> What the hell did you do that for?
Lita: <pulling up in front of a building> Um.... I think I see somewhere that we should really check out and so I'm going to go in and really check it out because I think it would be important to--
EM: You want to check this place out?
Lita: Yes! I really think I should look here.
EM: And you really think 2780 is gonna be at this place?
Lita: Uh huh. And if she's not here, I bet somebody will be here who knows where she is.
EM: That's why you're stopping here?
Lita: Yes. For 2780.
EM: Not because the sign over this store says "Crazy Bono's U2 Emporium"?
Lita: Not that at all. Crud. This meter is only for like a half hour. It's going to take me a lot longer than that to... interrogate people.
EM: Oh yeah. I see lots of interrogating in your near future.
Lita: I'm going to put money in the meter and go in. You stay here and watch the meter and when it starts to run out, put more money in for me, ok? I don't want Spidey to get towed!
EM: Yeah, whatever.
Lita: See you in a few minutes, Sweetie!
<Lita kisses Evil Mike goodbye and runs into the store. About a second later she runs back out and puts some coins into the parking meter, then she runs back in again. Evil Mike sits with his feet up on the dashboard. About two minutes pass.>
EM: Ok, this is soooo boring...
<He gets out of Spidey and goes to the parking meter for the space right next to where Spidey is parked. He pulls out a crowbar and pries it open. He pockets all the quarters and heads to the video arcade next door to the U2 Emporium to play some pinball.>
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
That was part 1!
Next comes part 2!
#2475
Behold part 2!
Date: 10/24/2002
From: Carmelita9000
............................................................
<About three hours later, Lita comes out of the U2 Emporium loaded down with lots of bags of stuff she bought. She sees a police officer standing not far from Spidey, and looking at him warily.>
Lita: Uh... Does there seem to be some trouble, officer?
Cop: There's a big... spider...
Lita: <to herself> And the meter's run out! Where the hell is Evil Mike! <shouting now> Evil Mike!! Evil Mike, come here!!
<Evil Mike slinks out of the Arcade and sidles up next to Lita.>
EM: Yeah?
Lita: You were supposed to feed the meter! Now we're going to get a ticket!
EM: No way, babe! I can get us out of this!
Lita: Shh! Let me do the talking! Er... Officer?
Cop: Stay back! That monster over there will eat you alive!
Lita: Monster? <Lita's offended now> He's not a monster! He's my car-- <Evil Mike covers her mouth with his hand> MMMPH!!
Cop: What did she just say?
EM: Nothing.
Cop: Did she just say that disgusting giant spider is her car?
EM: She might have. But she says a lot of stupid things. She's crazy you know. She's one of those people you see on the sidewalk all the time who are screaming at invisible people.
Lita: MMMPH!!11! >:oX
Cop: Oh, all right.
EM: Spiders aren't cars. You know that. Women get strange ideas. <He laughs>
Cop: Right! Women! <he also laughs>
<Lita stomps hard on Evil Mike's foot. His face turns a little purple, but he tries not to show he's in pain as he continues the conversation.>
EM: Boy, that's a big scary spider, huh! Looks like he could do anything! I bet he's the one who broke that parking meter over there and it wasn't me at all!
Cop: <he sees the meter for the first time> WOW!! <He looks at Spidey> That thing's a beast!!
Lita: MMMMMPH!!11!
EM: What are you going to do?
Cop: I don't know... Call the army maybe?
Lita: MMMMMMMMMMMPH!!!1!!11!
EM: The army doesn't have time to come over here and squish one spider!
Cop: But it's a really big spider!
EM: And do you think they'd even believe you if you said you saw a giant spider the size of an SUV sitting in the parking lot?
Cop: No... They never believe us small town cops. Those bastards.
EM: Then screw 'em! You don't want any of their compulsory psychological exams just because you saw something weird that they're too dumb to believe in! Go do something else or something!
Cop: But that spider might eat somebody!
EM: Like anybody's dumb enough to get near something as ugly as that!
Lita: MMMPH!!1!
Cop: You're right! I hate this job! <He tears off his badge> I never wanted to be a cop! I'm going to go follow my dream and become a trapeze artist!
<As the cop runs away Evil Mike stops covering Lita's mouth. She kicks him in the shin.>
EM: OUCH!!
Lita: Evil Mike! I can't believe you did that!! Spidey is not a monster! He's the most loveable car in the whole wide world! How could you lie like that??
EM: It's what I do.
Lita: Well, it's not what I do! Lying is wrong! And to the police? That's horrible!
EM: Well--
Lita: And admit it! You *were* the one who broke into that meter over there!
EM: Yeah, but I needed the quarters so I could play pinball--
Lita: Evil Mike, that's wrong!!
EM: No it's not.
Lita: Yes it is!!
EM: No, you see, I'm a Moral Subjectivist. In keeping with that moral philosophy I believe that there is no moral right or wrong. Rules are just things people made up. Morality doesn't exist, only what I want to do, and what I don't want to have done to me.
Lita: *stunned*
EM: So I didn't do anything wrong.
Lita: *speechless*
EM: So there you go.
Lita: *shocked*
EM: Say something!!!
Lita: Where did you learn about Moral Subjectivism??
EM: Dude, I've been hanging around you for two years, haven't I? You think I wouldn't pick something up, the way you're all Miss "I have to take Ethics classes all the time so I can make everybody think I'm so much more righteous than them"?
Lita: This means... You actually listen to me when I say stuff!
EM: Yeah. But don't read too much into that.
Lita: And you know about Ethics!
EM: *Really* don't read too much into that!
Lita: And we can have deep discussions about Ethics now!
EM: Oh no we can't!
Lita: Oh, Evil Mike!!! <Lita throws her arms around Evil Mike and kisses him repeatedly>
EM: Now that we *can* do! I knew you liked ethics but I didn't know you liked it *this* much!
Lita: Tee-hee!
<Lita whispers something in Evil Mike's ear, then runs to climb back into Spidey. Evil Mike, grinning, starts to follow, but Lita sticks her arm out Spidey's window and poins at all her U2 stuff she dropped on the sidewalk during the conversation with the cop. Evil Mike picks it all up and throws it into Spidey's back seat, and then he gets in himself.>
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Yep. The secret's out.
I like ethics.
#2476
Look, I can write cool replies, too!
Date: 10/25/2002
From: LinkyDragonclaw
Or, maybe not. . .
Linky: Great. Mickey gets soup, Lita gets Bono, EM gets pinball, and I'm stuck here trying to help clean up this mess. . .
PM: What was that, Linky?
Linky: Huh? Oh, I was just talking about how everyone else is having more fun than me. Poo.
PM: What do you mean "everyone else"?
Rick: Yeah, how can you have any clue what they're all doin'?
Linky: Huh?
Buffalo: Yeah. . . like. . . if yer here, ya couldn't know about all the others, eh? Yer messin' with the conti. . . continu. . . . keep going thing of this-here.
Linky: . . . .
PM: Clearly you still need some practice.
Linky: *goes to the corner to sit down*
Rick: What are we going to do with these two, Boss?
(Rick gestures to Eva and Diabolik. 2780 has run off to play with fluffy animals.)
Sam: You could sell them to the circus.
STG: *dragging Niner around in a cart* Oh boy, Optimus, now we can be bestest friends. And if scary decepticons ever try to hurt me, you'll turn into a super-duper flying spaceship and save me with your lasers and goo-dispenser and make really cool explosions and sounds and tsu tsu tsu!!!
Niner: *head duct-taped upwards again* Please, Linky, help!
Linky: *not paying attention* Suppose we kept the two of them around. . . we could use them as spies or something.
PM: Spies? Against who?
Linky: . . . you mean you guys don't have anyone to spy on?
PM: Well, there's always. . .
~~
And that's how beautiful short that was because I'm being kicked off. Arg.
#2477
Buffalo must be taking speech classes!
Date: 10/25/2002
From: Carmelita9000
............................................................
Lita: I was actually able to understand half of what he was saying! Way to go, Buffalo! We're all proud of you!
Buffalo: Whall, it ahll goes tah show haw triyin' yer best 'n kaypin' yer nose tah tha grahndstown whall hep yeh teh--
Lita: Yeah, that's great Buffalo. Looks like it wore off.
Buffalo: Ah'm just glaid yeh noticed, Cupcake II.
Lita: Ok, you need to stop talking now.
<Buffalo stops talking>
Lita: Woo! Look at me! I'm wasting a reply! I'm naughty!! Woo!!11!1!!
<Lita runs around yelling and throwing confetti>
Lita: YAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!1111!1!!11! ROBB GOT VOTED OFF SURVIVOR!11!11 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1!1!111!11!!!
Buffalo: <all excited what with all the excitement and all> YEEEEEEHHAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAYYYYAAAAA--
<Evil Mike smashes a guitar over Buffalo's head>
Lita: Thank you, Evil Mike! *smooch*
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Shameless reply waster
Wheeeeeeeeeee!!11!11!1! :oD
#2478
<Tork peeks into Lita's window >
Date: 10/25/2002
From: pitchTork
<and watches her naughtiness.>
Heh heh.
(I'll come up with a real reply soon. I hope.)
#2479
Foolish human!!!!!
Date: 10/25/2002
From: EI_Kabong
Lita: Eeeeek! Horsie!!!!
El Kabong®: Just what do you think you're up to?
Evil Mike: Well, I was just, er.....I mean, I was....what's it to you?
El Kabong®: Well, you see, I happen to be a master of guitar slapping. Allow me to demonstarte.
Evil Mike: That's not really ness (Too late....EM gets hit with a guitar)
El Kabong®: KABONG®!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Steal my bit will you? HMPH!!!! (Leaves)
El Kabong® Singers: o/'El Kabong®, El Kabong®, Now he's gone! o/'
Lita: Are you ok?
Evil Mike: My head.
Lita: I told you horses were bad news.
EK
#2480
<Some time after the last reply...>
Date: 10/29/2002
From: Carmelita9000
............................................................
Lita: Ok, so that was fun, but now we have to stop wasting time and find 2780.
EM: Wasting time? You thought that was a waste of time??
Lita: We're supposed to be finding 2780 before she gets in trouble. That wasn't helping. So let's go.
<Lita drives Spidey around the countryside for a while, but since neither she or Evil Mike know where 2780 is, it's hard to say whether or not they make any progress. Nevertheless...>
EM: Hey, stop here.
Lita: Here? Do you really think 2780 would be here?
EM: Sure! Why not?
Lita: This is just some dive! 2780 wouldn't come to a place like this!
EM: She would if she's *kidnapped* and her *kidnappers* come to a place like this!
Lita: Well... I guess that makes sense...
EM: I'll go in. You wait here. There's some real rough types that come to places like this. I don't want you to have to be exposed to any ungentlemanly behavior in case they won't tell me anything.
Lita: Oh Evil Mike! You're always looking out for my best interests!
EM: I sure do! Now wait here! Ok?
<Evil Mike goes into the bar, leaving Lita to wait in Spidey.>
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
This reply is supposed to be longer, but I don't have time to write the rest!
Stay tuned, and I'll finish it when I do have time. I just want to reserve this space. :o)
#2481
*gasp*
Date: 10/30/2002
From: pitchTork
---------------------------------------
Tork: IT'S...IT'S...you!
Woman: Ah, so you recognize me.
Tork: Uhh, actually I don't.
Woman: What?!?!
Tork: Can you give me a hint? And hurry up, I have a guest.
Woman: !! How could you forget me? I came here to claim what is mine.
Tork: Is it a beer? Because I need to go buy some right now.
Woman: You pig!
<The woman pushes her way in. We can now see that she has bandages over her head.>
Tork: Hey, weren't you that gypsy who...oh boy.
Gypsy: Yes, and I believe you still owe me one first born.
Tork: Yipes. Well, you see ...
Tork's guest: TORK!!!
Tork: eep.
Gypsy: Who are you?! I'll put a curse on you.
Sunday: And I'll shove spiders down your dress. Don't kill them, I need them for Tork.
Tork: ??!?!!? (whispers to the gypsy) Please help me. She invited herself in and I can't get rid of her.
Sunday: Well, aren't you going to get me a beer?
Tork: Uh, yes, of course!
<Tork puts his coat on and is ready to walk to the liquor store.>
Tork: It's kinda cold and it's raining hard and I don't have a car or an umbrella.
Sunday: (Mockingly) It's kinda cold... <poins to some spiders> And get something decent this time.
Tork: OK! OK, I'll do it.
Gypsy: And when you get back...
Tork: Yes, yes. A bride. as soon as possible.
Gypsy: And if you don't hurry, I'll curse all of your friends.
Tork: ... Oh, you couldn't curse ALL of them.
Gypsy: Yeah? Just watch me.
<Back to Lita. She's in Spidey. She's waiting for EM, but it takes so long that she dozes off.>
Lita: zzz, Bono, zzzz, Larry's arms, zzzz, Old Kentucky Shark, zzzz, ... ZZZZZZ, EEK! Horsie! ZZZZ Kabong? EM, nnoooo!!
<Lita wakes up.>
<Back to Tork's home.>
Gypsy: So, does this curse make me look feelthy?
Sunday: No, being "feelthy" makes you "feelthy".
Tork_110
This post is not the least bit based on my personal life with Sunday. Nope. Not at all. (No whipped jokes. It's not funny.)
#2482
*Finally* writing this reply...
Date: 11/02/2002
From: Carmelita9000
............................................................
<Evil Mike goes into the bar, leaving Lita waiting in Spidey. He's supposed to be asking around for Carmelita2780, but he doesn't even look to see if she's there! He goes straight for the bar and sits down.>
Bartender: What'll it be?
EM: Gimme an Old Kentucky Shark!
<About a half hour later.>
EM: <Looking suspiciously at the big burly guy in leather with the huge beard and lots of tattoos.> Whass he lookin' a?
<For the record, the guy is looking at his drink.>
EM: Heeeeeey man! Whaa you lookin' a?
Guy: *grunt*
EM: Thass wha I though, Misser!
<Evil Mike throws a weak punch and totally mostly misses because he's drunk. The big guy gets up, and he's huge. Evil Mike looks him square in the chest.>
EM: Time ta take your beating, bissh!!
***
<Lita is in Spidey, and she's napping because Evil Mike is taking so long. But she wakes up when she hears a loud crash.>
Lita: zzzzzzzzz...Huh?? <Lita looks around but sees nothing out of the ordinary.> I wonder what that was. I hope Evil Mike is ok! <There is another loud crash from inside the bar> *gasp*!! I bet Evil Mike's in trouble! I better go in and save him!
<Lita jumps out of Spidey and starts to run toward the bar, but just as she gets near the door, it opens and Evil Mike rolls out. Lita rushes to him.>
Lita: Oh, Evil Mike, sweetie! Are you ok??
EM: Yeah... Theyyyre bein' uncorrorprtiv... I gottem all beat though...
Lita: Poor baby! They punched you so hard you're slurring your speech!
EM: Ah'm winnnin the fight... Lemme back in ann I'll mop the floor withhem!
<Evil Mike starts to get up, but Lita holds him back and he passes out. Just then, the guy Evil Mike picked a fight with comes out. And so do a whole bunch of other guys who look almost as tough as he does. He poins at Evil Mike.>
Guy: There he is! Let's get him!
Lita: You stop it, you big bully!
Guy: Babs? What are you doing with this guy?
Lita: Babs? Who's Babs?
Guy: You're Babs!
Lita: I don't know what you're talking about! I'm Lita!
Guy: Baby, why are you playin' your tricks on me? You're a mean mistreater!
Lita: Don't you call me that, I am not! I've never even met you!
Guy: Sure you have! It's me! Crud!
Lita: Your name can't possibly be Crud.
Crud: Sure it is!
Lita: No way did your mother name you Crud.
Crud: Well-- I mean-- Grr! Why are you hanging out with that guy!? Are you cheating on me Babs??
Lita: No, of course not! Wait, I mean... Yes I am! Er... Doh! Don't confuse me! We never went out in the first place!
Crud: Oh, Babs!
<Suddenly, a woman runs out of the bar.>
Woman: Arthur? ARTHUR! What are you doing??
Crud: <he turns and looks at the woman> Babs? <He looks at Lita> Wait a minute! <He looks at the woman again> *Two* Babses? <If this was a sitcom we'd here the wacky Wah-waah-waaaaaaaaaah trumpets right now. But it's not so he just has to look confused without the musical accompaniment.>
Lita: Carmelita1108! Hi!
Woman: 9000! How are you doing??
<The two embrace>
***
<Later on, in the bar, everybody is getting along. Evil Mike and Crud are drinking together. The Litas have been catching up.>
1108: So I met Arthur and he seemed like lots of fun. We've been living like wild rebels in his gang of bikers ever since.
Lita: Wow.
1108: You seem really surprised. Didn't expect one of your clones to be interested in this kind of a lifestyle, huh?
Lita: His name is Arthur? He told me his name was Crud.
1108: Arthur wants people to call him that. I think it's a horrible name, I told him no mother would name her baby that. But he thinks it sounds tough. Don't let him scare you though, really he's just a big softy.
Lita: Like Evil Mike! <Lita looks lovingly over at Evil Mike, who arm wrestling Crud and losing.> *sigh* He's so strong and handsome.
1108: Are you talking about Evil Mike or Arthur?
Lita: <pretending she didn't hear the question> So, you're going by Babs now?
1108: No. But Arthur insists on calling me that. He says Babs is a good name for a biker's girlfriend.
Lita: I guess he would know, since he's such a hard-bitten road warrior.
1108: <she leans toward Lita and whispers conspiratorially> Actually, Arthur became the ringleader of a violent biker gang pretty recently. Before that he was an accountant.
Lita: Really?? He's taken well to his new career path. I would have thought he'd been doing this all his life!
1108: He's great, isn't he? So. How are the other Litas?
Lita: Actually, the other Litas are part of the reason I'm here. I'm looking for one.
1108: Really? Which one?
Lita: Carmelita2780.
1108: 2780?? She's such a sweetheart! What happened?
Lita: She's been kidnapped!
1108: No!
Lita: And Evil Mike and I cannot rest until we've found her!
1108: Yes! We've got to save her!!
Lita: We? Are you coming?
1108: Of course! 2780 is a good Lita! We can't let people go around kidnapping her! Hey, Arthur!
Crud: Aww, baby! I asked you to call me Crud!
1108: Arthur, there's a Lita in trouble and we've got to help save her!
Crud: I don't want to go looking for some broad! There's drinking to be done!
1108: No, Arthur! We can't rest until Carmelita2780 is safe and everybody responsible for her kidnapping has been soundly beaten to a bloody pulp!
Crud: You didn't say there'd be beatings involved! What are we waiting for?? Let's save that girl!
Other Bikers: Yaaaay! <They like to riot.>
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Ok, I do realize that Crud got all confused when he saw Lita9000 and Lita1108 together for the first time, but just a few minutes later he seemed to know all about all the clones. I'm not fixing the hole, you can deal with it!
#2483
TftD Trading Cards!!!
Date: 11/09/2002
From: ServoTheGreat
Yes, Tales from the Duh fever is sweeping the nation like a big broom. And with all franchises that are popular, trading cards for said franchise are soon to follow!
Here's the STG trading card...
(On the front is a picture of STG smiling and waving.)
(Now to the back for the stats...)
Card #17 out of 100
Name: Servo The Great
Occupation: Jerk
Affiliation: A duck and ground hog.
Origin: Used to do inventory in a comic shop, till he decided to become evil, and become Dictator. Was defeated by GROPE and thrown out of town. Carried on his shenannigans across the nation, until he reentered the TftD storyline as the quasi-evil, Servo The Fink. Then became good, then bad, then good again, I think. Now he's just kinda... there. Always trying to join GROPE, even though they all hate him.
Fan of Vampire Based Program: No
Stats (On a scale of 1-8)
Strength: 3
Intelligence: 4
Speed: 4
Patience: 1
Common Sense: 0
(And that's the whole card)
You guys wanna try? Oh, and I'll try and get a real reply out soon, but I'm kinda busy.
ServoTheGreat
#2484
<Tork goes to a psychiatrist
Date: 11/10/2002
From: Tork_110
named Eliza>
Hello! I'm here to help you. Please feel free to say whatever's on your mind. I will keep our conversation in strict confidence.
So, tell me about your problems.
> A gypsy wants my first born child
Go on, go on
> I dont have any children
Don't you really have any children?
> No
Are you sure?
> Uhhh, I hope so
What are your psychological problems?
> Fear
I see, Go on.
> This vampire keeps stalking me
What does that suggest to you?
> Im going to die?
Did you come to me cause you are going to die?
> Do you have any garlic?
I'm not sure I understand you.
> Never mind
Does talking to me help?
> So far, no
Why not?
> You wont defend me from Sunday
Oh, I
> Please?
What are some of your other problems?
> I got kicked out of GROPE
Could you explain futher?
> I worked with the bad guy because I was forced to.
Is that the real reason?
> They wouldnt listen to my reasonable explanations
Ok, how do you usually deal with these emotions?
> I look at pictures of Nuveena
Why do you think you feel this way?
> What way?
Why do you ask?
> You asked me
Really? Does that bother you?
> Well, now that you ask, yes.
I see.
> See what?
Let's change the subject--Do you have other problems?
> Women dont dig my robot costume
Do you really think so.
> The kicks in the groin is proof for me
Are you sure?
> yes
I understand.
> Well?
What could you do to rectify this situation?
> Look at Litas knees?
Anything else?
> Poin at stuff?
Go on, go on
> Conquer the planet?
What are your psychological problems?
> Im worried about turning into a bear
I see, go on.
> It happens from time to time
What does that suggest to you?
> Mail order brides are a bad idea?
I'm not sure I understand you.
> I needed a bride. She turned out to be too young
<At this poin, Eliza says something unintelligible.>
> Blah
Does talking to me help?
> Blah
Please don't repeat!
> Pleh
Hmmmmmm..is that so?
> Yes
I see.
> I miss Nuveena
Come come-elucidate your thoughts.
> I think shes seeing another man
But you are not sure you shes seeing another man
> I saw some wedding invitations
Do you believe it is norm
> Norm? Is that the bastards name?!?!?
Why do you ask?
> Ill kill him!!!!
Can you elaborate on that?
> Ill make him not alive
That is quite interesting.
> Killing is healthy, right?
Do you enjoy <mostly gibberish, but the gist of it is "killing" )?
> I will now
What are some of your other problems?
> None. Im done
Did you come to me because you are done
> Bye
Could you explain further?
> Good bye!!!
Ok, how do you usually deal with these feelings?
> I leave
Why do you feel this way?
> Im out the door already
How long have you been out the door already
...
Really? Does that bother you?
Tork_110
is not really going to kill anyone
#2485
*Finally* writing another reply...
Date: 11/10/2002
From: Carmelita9000
About time..................................................
<Lita and Evil Mike are in Spidey, driving down the road. Crud and Carmelita1108 are on a motorcycle, following behind them. Behind Crud and 1108 are the rest of Crud's gang, also all on bikes.>
Lita: Okay! I wasn't planning to bring extra people along, but it might be good that we have backup! Diabolik and Eva are dangerous!
EM: Yeah, that's great. So where are we going?
Lita: Huh? Well... uh...
EM: You still don't know, do you?
Lita: Well, MSTBlanca is right up the road, I think. Let's stop there and see if PM's seen anything. He likes to keep track of evil stuff.
EM: Yeah, ok.
<Boy, it's great how great coincidences are, isn't it?>
***
<Lita storms into MSTBlanca. Evil Mike is beside her. The bikers storm in behind them.>
Lita: WHERE IS SHE???
PM: Where's who?
Lita: 2780! She's been kidnapped by Diabolik and Eva, and I'm going to rescue her!
PM: Oh, 2780? She's right here.
2780: Hi Other Me!
Lita: PM??!! *You* kidnapped 2780??!! How could you, you fiend!!
PM: I didn't kidnap her. I rescued her. You can have her.
2780: YAY!!!! <She runs over to Lita and gives her a big hug>
Lita: Oh. Hi 2780. Who's that? <Lita poins at Linky>
2780: That's Mama-Kitty!
Linky: That's not my name! I'm Linky Dragonclaw!
EM: What the hell is wrong with your ears?
Lita: <quietly> Evil Mike, that's not polite, she's probably sensitive enough about it as it is...
Linky: I can hear you!!
Lita: Oh! I'm sorry!
EM: Geez, Babe, don't be dumb! Of course she can hear you! Look at those ears!
Lita: Oh! Right!
Linky: All right... Don't try to stop me... I'm taking these two out.
PM: <holding her back> No, you probably shouldn't. They're pissed enough at me as it is. Um, Lita, Evil Mike, this is Linky, and she's my newest henchperson.
Linky: Henchperson?! Hello! Sidekick!
PM: Right.
Lita: Wow. That sucks. Why would you want to be sidekicks with Phafahofaah?
PM: Hey! It's fun to be my sidekick!
Linky: Some stupid pharaoh cursed us, actually.
EM: What kind of a lame-ass curse is that?
Lita: Can't you just leave?
Linky: Of course not! It's a pharaoh's curse! What, am I stupid?
EM: Well...
Lita: Shut up, Evil Mike.
EM: Make me.
Lita: What happens if you don't hang around with PM? Does your face turn inside out or something?
Linky: Eww!
Lita: Something to think about.
Linky: Yeah... <She starts thinking about it. And that's why she doesn't have any lines for the rest of this reply. Sorry Linky>
Lita: So anyway, PM. Give us back 2780, you cad!!
PM: I already did.
Lita: Oh. Right. You did.
2780: Mr. Sweetheart made me a milkshake and it's really good! Wanna taste, Other Me?
Lita: Um... No thanks. Look, PM, let me level with you.
PM: Shoot.
Lita: I went through all the trouble of getting all mad. I organized an angry mob of bikers. I don't want all this to go to nothing. Can you work with me here?
PM: Oh, all right. But just this once. 2780, can you come here for a minute?
2780: Ok! <She walks over and stands by PM.>
PM: Ok. Go ahead.
Lita: Thank you. I appreciate this. *ahem* GIVE ME BACK MY CLONE YOU BAAAS--<remembers that 2780 is here> BIG JERK!
PM: NEVER!!
Buffalo: <Comes in from wherever he's been from the beginning of this reply> Hey! Cupcake II! Hahve yeh fahnally come heyre for teh be mah brahde??
Lita: Ick! er... PM, unhand my clone or else my biker friends here will beat Buffalo to within an inch of his life!
Buffalo: Hey, Boss! Ah jes wanted teh tell yeh about this new song ah learneded. It's all ahbout these two 'lil muskrats an how they found true love. And then these two 'lil varmints-- Actually, Ah'll git mah guitar and play it fer you rahght now!
PM: Ugh... Do your worst, Lita!
Lita: You heard the man. Er, Rick? Do you mind?
Rick: Sure thing, Sweetheart. <He covers 2780's eyes>
2780: Wow! It got dark all the sudden!
<The bikers throw up a cry of joy and all leap upon Buffalo. Of course, this causes Sam to turn invisible and jump into the fight. And Nabut shows up from wherever he's been and gets punched. So do STG and Niner. (STG and Niner are still here right? If they're not, then they didn't get pulled into the fight.) Pretty much anybody at MSTBlanca who isn't Lita9000, Evil Mike, PM, Rick, 2780, or Linky is currently fighting.>
PM: Ok. I think that's enough. You satisfied, Lita?
Lita: Uh huh.
PM: Here's your clone back.
<Rick walks 2780 back over to Lita. Quickly Lita and Rick make a switch, so that Lita is covering 2780's eyes instead of Rick.>
PM: Now, will you call off your men?
1108: <from somewhere within the brawl> Ahem!
PM: Your people?
Lita: Actually, I can't. They're not really *my* people, you see. They just came along because they like to punch people.
PM: Oh. Thanks.
Lita: I'm sure you can handle it. Ok, it's really past 2780's bedtime, so we're going to hit the road! o/` By-ye! o/`
<Lita leads 2780 out of the bar. Evil Mike follows. Crud and 1108 climb out of the fight and stand next to PM>
1108: Hey, Man, you own this place?
PM: Yeah...
Crud: It's a nice place you got here!
PM: Well, it was...
1108: It's a lot nicer than the dump our gang used to hang out in!
PM: I don't think I like where this is going...
Crud: Yep! Babs is right! I think we're gonna be staying here a loooong time!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
#2486
In the grand tradition of Archie Bunker
Date: 11/10/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener
Mickey buys a bar!!!!!!!!!!!
Rimmi: No.
Mickey: Awww, come on! It's a gold mine! That's right, a mine full of gold!
Rimmi: PM has a bar!
Mickey: My bar is better. I've got a pinball machine.
Rimmi: So?
Mickey: It's a good pinball machine! You win, and you get a gumball. People like gumballs.
(Rimmi plays and wins, but alas no gumball)
Rimmi: Where is it?
Mickey: I....I ate them all (Rimmi rolls her eyes) But that's not important right now...Check out my celebrity clientle.
(Rimmi sees a bunch of people)
Rimmi: Wow, they got here quick.
Mickey: See, here's basketball superstar Manute Bol.
Manute: Hello
Mickey: Hey, how's the weather up there? HA!!! See, Rimmi? This was a damn good investment!
PM (Busts through the door): Except you're forgetting one thing.
Mickey: He-llo?! Saloon swinging doors....those are hard to get. Geez, you own a bar, you should know these kind of thi....oh. That's right, you do own a bar. My bad. OK, alright, everyone out. I'm torching this place to get the insurance.
Manute: You can't do that to Manute....I'm living in a dumpster.
Rimmi: A dumpster?
Manute: It's a very big dumpster.
Rimmi: Mickey, you can't do that. Just sell it back. Then maybe PM won't have us vaporized or something.
Mickey: Oh, PM won't do that.
PM: I'm a very shrewd buisnessman. I probably would. Remember the Haunted House?
Mickey: Besides, I can't sell it back.
Rimmi: Why?
Mickey: .......
Rimmi: HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR IT?
Mickey: Well....you know, a *mumble mumble*
Rimmi: I can't hear you.
Mickey: *sigh* A million....and Tork's second born child.
Rimmi: Unbelievable!
PM: OK, thats it.....
Mickey: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!
PM (breaks the pinball machine): Next time, it's the love tester. (Leaves)
Rimmi: Nice going, Mickey (Leaves)
Mickey: What have I done?
Manute: So....can Manute have two dollar appearance fee now?
Mickey: I'll mail it to you. Will you take a check?
Manute: No....not from you anyway.
The Bespectacled Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
Post Narc x4
Oh, that wacky Manute Bol....he's gold, I tell you.
#2487
Stupid bikers...
Date: 11/10/2002
From: ServoTheGreat
(The bikers continue to wreck havoc upon PM’s bar, as Rick and STG are behind the counter serving drinks as fast as the Bikers can drink it. Sam and Buffalo seem to be getting along with the bikers, and aid them in their wanton destruction. Nabut has been hog tied by the biker gang, and locked in the men’s room. Linky has gone hiding in the vents to get escape all the noise the bikers make (Cats hate noise, right?). Niner has been knocked over, and can’t get up. At that moment, behind the counter…)
STG: (Blasting the drink sprayer thing, at a bunch of empty glasses all over the counter) How much booze can these guys drink? Shouldn’t their livers be failing by now?
Rick: If it’s one thing I learned from Bartender School, it’s that Biker’s have livers of iron. They could drink for months straight.
STG: Grrrr… This is frustrating… Oh well, its not that bad, since I got this cool robot hand! (That’s right, STG has his hand back! PM agreed to give STG a new hand, as long as STG lets him borrow his Spider-Man tape. It’s like Luke Skywalker’s robo-hand, in that it has no fake skin, so STG has to wear a black glove over it)
Rick: Yeah, whatever…
Biker #1: (Drunk) Eh, youse guz behing da counner… I nee moh booze!
STG: Hey, Rick, they’re getting’ drunk! I say when they finally pass out, we throw ‘em all into the dumpster, and call it a night.
Rick: No dice, kid. They may get drunk, but they won’t pass out. They just get violent.
Biker #1: EH! Verz my booze! (Throws a bottle at STG)
STG: (Bottle shatters as it hits his forehead) OW! DAMMIT, I HATE YOU PEOPLE!!!
(STG sees Lita1108 at the counter)
STG: You, Lita number… um… whichever the hell you are, just get the bikers out of here!
Lita1108: Hmmmph! I’m 1108, thank you very much.
STG: Look, 375, I really need you to help us!
Lita1108: I’d love to, but they don’t really listen to me either.
STG: Fine, then it’s up to me!
(STG instantly thinks up, what he thinks to be a great plan, and walks to the front door with a bottle of booze)
STG: (Whistles) Come get the booze! Come here! (Throws it out the door) Go get it! Go get it!
(Bikers aren’t listening)
STG: Dammit, get the bottle!
(Still not listening)
STG: (Gets back behind the counter…) Poo…
(Linky comes out of the vent behind him)
Linky: Okay, I think I’m used to the noise now—(Bikers make a crashing noise, as they break something else) EEK! (Jumps up, and clings to the ceiling)
(At that moment PM reenters)
PM: Stupid Mickey trying to steal my bar idea… Huh!? You bikers are still here? I thought I took care of you guys!
Crud: Ah, good da managers back. Alright, manager, we needs moh drinks at this table.
PM: Don’t bother me about that, go complain to the lackeys behind the counter.
(PM wades his way through the chaos till he gets to the office door)
PM: (Thinking) Foolish bikers, once I get my Vaporizer Ray Gun, I’ll teach them a lesson they’ll never forget about crashing MY bar!
(Upon opening his office door, a bunch of pigs run out)
Crud: Sorrey, managa man, but we threw all the crap outta there, so we could get a space for the hogs.
PM: You travel around with hogs?
Crud: Well, sure.
PM: Dammit, I gotta them outta here! But how…
ServoTheGreat
#2488
Mickey: Oh yeah!
Date: 11/10/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener
PM only wishes his bar kicked this much ass.
(Looks around and is suddenly very disappoined)
Yuuuuuuuuup. A broken pinball machine, no tv, and live hourly shows by the other guy from Wham!........
Rimmi: For the last time Mickey, it was a prank call from Evil Mike! The other guy from Wham! isn't showing up.
Mickey: Damn. I better go change the reader board. (Breaks down crying) Oh, who am I kidding, I don't even have one of those!!! Just a t shirt that says "Bar! Come in now!"
Rimmi: The Love Tester just called me a cold fish. Mickey, this place stinks!
(Lita and Evil Mike walk in)
Lita: So, this is what all of GROPE's hard earned money is going to.
(Evil Mike punches Mickey)
Mickey: Well....not all of the money is from GROPE. I've been selling drugs on the side.
Lita: MICKEY!
Mickey: Just to school children! I'm not a monster!
(Lita kicks Mickey in the groin)
Lita: You're out of GROPE!!!!
Rimmi: Lita, a minute....
(Lita and Rimmi huddle in the corner)
Mickey: Sayyyyyyyyyyy.....
Lita: Get back there, mister!
Rimmi: Who are we going to get to take Mickey's place?
Lita: Is that really needed....I mean, we can get a chimp or something.
Rimmi: Look, I've got the rp adventurer handbook. In a comic type rp, we're required to have a wacky male sidekick like Xander or Burt Ward.
Lita: We have Tork.
Rimmi: Um.....no we don't.
Lita: Huh? Oh, oh right! Well, Tork's back in.
Gramps: What about me?
Lita: GAH!!!!!
Rimmi: Didn't we put you in a home?
Gramps: It's boring there. They lock up the booze. Hey! A bar!
Lita: I'll bring him back. You take care of Mickey. If you need to use the sword, don't hesitate.
(Lita, Evil Mike, and Gramps leave...Rimmi tells Mickey the bad news)
Mickey: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
Rimmi: Yeah, tough break....gotta go. (Leaves again)
Manute: There, there....
Mickey: You still here?
Manute: Manute heard you were looking for a bartender.
Mickey: God help me.....
Manute: So....dues Manute get the job?
The Bespectacled Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
Post Narc x4
Comedy gold, I tells ya!
#2489
Lita: So where the hell is Tork?
Date: 11/11/2002
From: Carmelita9000
............................................................
Rimmi: <She comes back in> What do you mean where's Tork?
Lita: He's not here.
Rimmi: Of course he isn't. You kicked him out of GROPE. Now you need to go find him and let him back in again.
Lita: He should be here if I need to talk to him. Tork's inconsiderate. I'm kicking him out of GROPE!
EM: Again?
Rimmi: You can't do that, we talked about--
Lita: Don't talk back to me!! You're kicked out of GROPE too!
Rimmi: Hey! Since when do you have the power to--
Lita: Where's 2780? Why isn't she in here? She's kicked out of GROPE!
EM: She wasn't in GROPE in the first--
Lita: Shut up, Evil Mike! I'm kicking you out of GROPE too!
EM: You're such a bitch!
Lita: Hey! You're right! I am! How can I hope to be an effective leader with an attitude like this?
Rimmi: Since when are you the leader?
Lita: That's it! I've had enough chances to change my bitchy ways! But I'm just not working out! I'm kicking me out of GROPE!
Mickey: Lita, are you ok? You look a little pale.
Lita: Shut up, non-GROPE member!!! <poining> And you're not in GROPE, and you're not in GROPE, and you, and you, NONE OF YOU ARE IN GROPE!!1!111 HA HA HA HA HA HA HA H-- <Lita abruptly passes out.>
EM: Ok. So that was strange.
Manute: Manute is kicked out of GROPE?
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
is gonna miss GROPE *sniff*
Next up: More spam!
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